It took a few days, but I calmed down and we started to work on repairing our relationship and entered an almost honeymoon like phase….and then I paid the phone bill and while checking an excess charge, found the log of all the phone calls and texts that he had exchanged with that woman – 42 phone calls and an almost equal number of texts in the month between 10/15 and 11/20, and I totally freaked out. Using someone for emotional support is one thing, even someone who you are attracted to, but exchanging rapid fire texts or calls – including some days with 11 – is not just an exchange of calls between friends. J met me and talked to me about it, insisted that he had told me that they had talked and confessed that, yes there had been an ongoing emotional relationship, but that he had not had contact with her since he had told me the truth. He took me home, and I spent the rest of the day trying to put myself back together. I actually knew better and just refused to face it – our relationship had been so much better, and he had been sweet and loving…
I recognized the particular pattern of phone calls since I had been on the receiving end of a similar set of phone calls. During the summer that J was in Israel and I was waiting for him, a friend’s husband had pursued me (pre-cell phone days) and called me when I first woke up, just before he thought I might go to bed….attempted to catch me when I first got home, left notes in my car – he was not trying to be my friend, and he really was trying to cheat – very interested in taking it to a physical level. I was lonely, and J was not sure about our future, and this guy wanted me so much and seemed so sincere about his feelings, but he was MARRIED – TO A FRIEND – and I was in love with someone else, so I shut him down, but it made the pattern of calls on our bill very recognizable.
Even though I knew at that point that I did not have all of the info I needed, I let it go…the past is the past, and the calls had stopped. Meanwhile, he had unfriended her on Facebook almost immediately, and had denied her request to be friends again. After the accidental phone discovery, I checked his Facebook and saw that the unfriending had deleted the comments from her on his wall and in his messages, but through some sort of glitch, it had not deleted the photo comments. She had posted a comment on almost every one of his pictures that did not include me, including some with Emily as an infant. In fact, every picture of him without a shirt had a comment – some of which verged on the very inappropriate – Mmmmm, hunky, blah blah blah. I didn’t know whether to throw up or break something. I had seen all the pictures when they were originally posted because the posting showed up in my Facebook, but I never checked the comments.
I logged into his account and erased all of her comments manually – there were over 80 and it took a lot of time. The comments brought up all kinds of doubts about the veracity of the story – how do inappropriate comments about someone’s physical appearance fit in with a “spiritual” relationship intended to help him reconcile with his wife? I asked about these comments, and he denied all knowledge of ever seeing them, and could not suggest a reason that she would think it was OK to put such comments on his wall if she was such a “good, Christian woman”. He was very defensive regarding her. I buried the inconsistencies, and we started further down the road to recovery.