I really did not get the sense of closure I had expected with this activity, so I attempted to finally sort it out with a final blog entry. As I was writing, I realized that the sequence of events, the behaviors, and the story did not ring true. In an attempt to sort out what was making me uncomfortable, I looked back at the phone bill, and on the Friday when the long drunken phone sex incident was supposed to have taken place, there was not a phone call that lasted for hours, although there were several minute or two calls. When then did inappropriate discussions take place? When was the idea floated that they should meet and develop a relationship? I went home and pressed for an answer, and he first said that I was mistaken, but I showed him the printout. He then said that he had used his friend’s house phone because his phone had died, and when I questioned the idea that he would have had a really long inappropriate conversation on someone else’s phone, he said that he had called her collect. At this point I told him that I knew that he had not told me everything, and that I would not get over it and neither would he until I knew everything. He then got very serious and pulled over a chair in front of me and took my hand and told me that he had been lying to me for six months.
He actually did not spend Saturday night with his colleagues – instead he dropped them off after their research trip and drove for 6 hours to her house, arrived in the middle of the night, and had sex with her. He said that she had seemed so beautiful and confident in her pictures on Facebook, and then had been so sexually aggressive on Facebook, email, and on the phone that he had constructed an extremely vivid sexual fantasy, and the phone sex had just made him determined to follow it through. I asked him what on earth he had been thinking on the long drive to her house – a spur of the moment pick up in a bar or becoming overwhelmed with lust in the middle of personal contact I can almost understand, but it seems like six hours gave him plenty of time to cool off and gain a little perspective – especially since the renewed relationship was only 9 days long. It seemed like he could have remembered at some point during that six hour drive that he had a wife and to consider what this might do to me. He insists that he didn’t think of me at all – that all he thought about was her.
When he got there, it sounds like they had a really great date. They connected, they flirted, they drank wine, they made out on the couch, and she was aggressive. He said, though, that when he tried to take it to the next level – to move the “date” into the bedroom, she was evasive, although they eventually ended up there. He initially said that they had been naked, but did not have sex – that she did not feel like me, and he realized what he was doing. When I refused to accept that story, he admitted that they had sex but not have “complete” sex, although she insisted that she would never wash her sheets because he was on them. Can anyone say “Monica Lewinsky.” He said he realized in the middle that he was making a mistake, that he didn’t want someone else, he wanted me. He fell apart, freaked her out, fled, and then made his way home.
He then said that he drove home trying to decide what to do, and that what he wanted to do was come home and fix us. He said he struggled with fear that if he told me the absolute truth, I would make him leave and any attempt to rebuild our relationship would have to be long distance and probably not work. He had taken advantage of a poor innocent woman. He said that he lied to her to get her to see him. That he told her that he was coming through her town on his way home, and invited her for coffee. He said that she invited him to her condo instead, and told him she would have to break a date with her fiancée and ask her sister to stay somewhere else. He continued to insist that he had horribly injured her. He said he knew he had to tell me but was scared that I would freak out and leave him. Who knows – if he had told me the next day when he got home, I really cannot say how I would have reacted….