Wondering through May

After the calm of the previous evening, I woke up upset. With J out of my space, I was able to think a little more clearly and realized that his responses to the thought of me talking to the OW were extreme – beyond reason even, and his sense of relief when the conversation was over was even more dramatic. Why was he so afraid? What on earth could she have said to me that was worse than the fact that he had driven to Dallas and had sex with her? I sent him a text message asking him to come home as early as possible on Sunday, and he responded with that he would be home after three. I went from upset to furious in about ten seconds, and sent a message that I was no longer numb and that I did not think that he really wanted me at home alone for another 36 hours. He called to find out what was wrong and I was completely inarticulate, but he decided to come home.

He was actually cheerful and soothing when he got home. He said that his HS friend had told him a story while they were sitting by the camp-fire. He had asked J if he remembered —— ———, and said that after he posted the photo (the infamous group picture), she had contacted him on Facebook and reminisced about when they dated and how wonderful it had been and that it would have been great if they had stayed together. She sent him her phone number, and they talked about him driving to see her, but he told Jeff that he realized in the middle of their online/phone reconnection that she was “trolling” for a husband and he was not at all interested. While J seemed to find this story both a little humiliating, but also a great sense of relief. He could tell that I didn’t believe it – it just seemed too perfect to be true.

We spent about two hours talking, and I pushed him to explain why my talking to her was such a frightening thing for him. He was still very confusing and vague – and said that he was ashamed of the things he had said to her, that he had felt like he had messed up her life – that he had damaged an unstable person, and that he was afraid of what she would do if I confronted her – and of what she would say to me. He really doesn’t seem to understand that reality couldn’t be any worse than my imagination, especially since the John Edward’s broadcasts. He also seemed a lot like a different person – like he no longer felt like she was his responsibility, and that everything was out in the open between us. Everything seemed better. He stayed the night and then got up early the next morning to get all of his camping stuff from the lake.

Back at work on Monday without J fogging my brain, I realized that some of the things that he said did not really make sense. He told me that he had told the OW that I had looked at her Facebook and that I knew about all of the phone calls, but those things did not happen until well after the last time that he supposedly had broken off all contact with her – when he unfriended her and emailed her that he would no longer be in contact with her. When I got home, I really pressed him about how this was possible, and he finally said that he had called her to tell her that they had to break all contact and then called her again after I freaked out about the phone bill. These phone calls were not on the phone bill – why? If he didn’t even realize that the phone bill would be a problem, why did he not call on his cell phone?

I was back to confusion and insecurity. Whenever I tried to sort and or get answers from J, he was very unwilling to be specific, claiming to not remember, or that it was all a black fog. He finally started talking about how much fear he had been living in. He said that he would tell her that he working on his marriage with me and she would offer helpful suggestions, and then call later and rant at him. He was very insistent that she had threatened to contact me and that he had lived in fear of her doing so. She had called him when she was drunk and said a lot of sexual things, and said several times that they needed to talk to me together, so that they could get married and adopt children and live happily ever after, with him as a deacon in her church. He still is not clear about the timeline and insists that many of the conversations were innocent, about her school and his work. He seems not to realize that the more he evades the issue, the more my imagination goes to the worst possible place.

Although we were working on other areas of our life together, were physically reconnecting in a way neither of us had thought possible, and were actually in escrow for our dream house, the truth still seemed elusive. Enough things still didn’t add up that I continually wondered if he was still lying, and if so why?! We finally had a conversation about truth and the lack thereof which was very painful and upsetting. J was very insistent that he would have done or said anything to keep me from finding out about the affair unless he told me himself. He was still very vague about what that meant – he had told her he didn’t know if we would work out or not and gave her hope that she had a future with him. Was this to keep her from calling me or posting things on Facebook? Did he really envision a future with her – even if for only a short period of time? We discussed my fears – or confusion – but without really reaching any resolution, and then continued the conversation at home. He expressed again how much fear he had been living in, especially as we began to rebuild our relationship. She had emailed  him while we were on our trip to Arkansas and Missouri, after he had not talked to her since the call about the phone and he thought that the whole thing was behind him. That was why he had been so freaked about not having internet in the hotel in St. Louis. He couldn’t call because I would have seen it on the cell bill, and he was afraid if he didn’t respond she would call when I was there. He then had that whole fiasco over the funeral right at the end of our trip that put him back on pins and needles. I tried to comfort him as much as I could. I know these conversations are exhausting and upsetting for him, but I still feel like I need answers.

For the first time, I had a one of those unfortunate wondering thoughts in the middle of an intimate moment, and I woke up still thinking about the question from the night before – so I just asked. He was was flustered and obviously embarrassed, but appeared to be attempting to answer as honestly as possible, which helped. While the details weren’t pleasant, they were better than the ones that had been forming in my head.

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