In the last couple of weeks, I have come back again and again to the snippets that don’t fit together – mostly because I have been attempting to close out the “write it down” portion of my life. Through questions and pushing, a much fuller and very different pictured has emerged, although still one that is not clear. There appear to be three different possibilities:
1. J reconnected with a girlfriend from Junior High, had sex with her and was sorry for it because he broke his vows, but he was infatuated with her, and maintained a long distance phone/text/email sex and emotional relationship with her for months while he lied to me repeatedly as he tried to sort out what to do so that he could follow his inclination without losing his daughter or the respect of the people in his life. In attempt to placate me, he told me a series of lies that contained enough truth to start a process of reconnection between us, and he discovered that he could actually have the relationship he wanted with me instead of starting over. He then had to continue to lie to keep from hurting me too much or making me to angry and causing me to leave, or
2. He had sex with another woman and was ashamed, but was not sure about attempting to resurrect our relationship so he maintained an emotional relationship while keeping the possibility of a future sexual relationship as an option, and then decided that staying in our relationship was better for him, or
3. He had sex with another woman, immediately regretted it, and spent the next six months lying to her, pretending to be her friend, lover and future husband to keep her from telling me, lying repeatedly to me to keep me from finding out the truth, while living under the threat of exposure for the entire time.
I think that the truth probably lies in a mixture of the three; I’m just not sure in what proportion. He could not have accepted and attempted to internalize the religious crap if he didn’t have an emotional attachment to her. He would not have reacted so strongly to the idea of her contacting me if he had not said or done more than he has told me – and he had already told me that they had sex! The basic gist appears to be that he had detailed sexual conversations with her before he went to Dallas, intimate ones while there, and intimate and emotional ones afterward, telling her how much she meant to him and that he did not believe that our relationship was going to work out. He did not want me to know specifics because he did not want that information in my head, and he did not want to lose me. He still does not understand how much the confusion hurts me.
We have done so much work on our relationship – a lot of it productive even though there were lies still between us. I believe that we can create a new and perhaps stronger relationship, but not if we do not repair everything that happened. One of the things that I have realized is that I have concentrated on extraneous details because my heart does not believe that J walked (drove) away from our relationship without a backward glance and had sex with another woman, even though my head knows that it is true. He can only have done that if he had already given up hope on our relationship without even attempting to repair it, and that also hurts desperately.