Sometimes the Truth Just Sucks

J has really made an effort to be more honest and to share information or answer questions honestly, and he is the oddest mixture of paralyzing honesty and hostile evasion. I never really know what any day will bring. I have had to re-evaluate so much what I though I knew about the last six or seven months that sometimes I feel like I am meeting myself coming and going. When we were supposedly trying to reconnect in October and November, he was so erratic because he was still involved with her. He would start to feel comfortable that she was out of his life and then she would call hysterical. Or he would think that they had settled in to just being friends, and then she would call and attempt to have a bout of phone sex. So he would be loving and affectionate with me and then, suddenly, he would have a meltdown and revert to the old irritable selfish guy I had distanced myself from. He still insists that he was not in contact with her until close to Halloween, although the phone bill  shows that she texted him three times in that first week, and he posted a comment on a picture on FB in that same time.  Phone records show that he called her from the ER when he had to take my daughter while I was out of town – the realization of which outraged me!

He was out of town or at work a lot during this period and it never occurred to me that he was unfaithful – his activities were the same as they had been for almost the entire time we have lived here. Now I can’t help wondering where he was on those out of town trips…. Another important realization this month: He had sex with me less than 12 hours after he had unprotected sex with her. He says that he was tested for STDs just after he came home and was all clear, but can’t remember the date or the name of the place. I am going to have to go in and tell my doctor this extremely sordid story – a humiliation I NEVER thought I would have to face.

I have finally had to face the fact that in this entire “2nd honeymoon” phase of our relationship, I have provided overwhelming evidenced that I have no common sense and am as gullible as it is possible for a woman to be, while at the same time being entirely too logical for my own peace of mind. J has been lying to me non-stop, and I kept discovering things that challenged the explanations that I had been given, and then incorporating the new information without ever asking or even considering that Jeff might have actually had sex with her. This situation has continued almost to the present – while I am with Jeff and things are going well my brain is fogged and everything seems so much better that I can see living with him for the rest of my life. When I am away from him, there are still things that I do not understand and that cause me to have doubt – doubts that I did not admit – even to myself-  until after the second “confession”. He explained away the phone calls by saying that he was deeply troubled and that she was helping him…and I believed him. He was a little freaked out after this because he called her and told her not to call his cell phone because I had seen the bill. She told him then that she would always love him.

After the phone fiasco, I went back and looked at his Facebook page and the comments she had made, and realized that those comments were not consistent with his description of her as an innocent sweet Christian woman. The pictures she commented on were all of Jeff wearing minimal clothing or looking particularly “yummy” – her word, not mine. I deleted all of the comments, but when I asked Jeff about what they meant, since “Mmmm” is not really the comment a woman would make when she was just a friend attempting to help him reconcile with his wife, he denied ever having seen them, and saying that she had made those comments before he told her that he was going to try and work out his marriage. I realized that this was not true later because a whole group of posts did not delete, and I was able to look at the dates – she was commenting inappropriately all the way through the end of November – after he had told me about her and unfriended her.

We would be getting along really well, and then Jeff would just freak out for no discernible reason. We were given an opportunity to buy the house we were renting, and we both said we wanted it, but J wasn’t doing anything to make it happen. Everything else was more important, and any time the house looked like it might take any of his time, he had a fit. As it turns out, he didn’t want to work on buying the house because he thought I was going to find out that he had had sex with someone else and kick him out.

We had a lovely weekend in Eureka Springs and then he became a semi-maniac on our way to St. Louis. As it turns out, that was because he checked his email and she had sent him a message saying that she was thinking about him, loved him and missed him – so he was afraid that she would call his cell while I was with him – that I would somehow see the message or answer the phone. Then, when we got to the hotel, he totally freaked out because the internet in the room did not worked. It made him unnaturally angry and made me confused and apprehensive. The next day, while I was at the conference, he fixed the internet and was fine after that, and we had an amazing time. The last six months have been like that – mostly great, but punctuated with odd stressors, as lies that Jeff has told came home to roost. He finally told me what he swears is the whole truth, but details still continue to trickle out and so I spend a lot of time confused and anxious. Jeff promises that he is ready to answer any questions, but it is not really true. He is kind and gentle to begin with and then quickly becomes agitated and hostile.

This entry was posted in Musings.

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