Painful Questions

Again, I think that the hardest part of this process is not dealing with the infidelity, it is the doubt that it throws on every other part of my marriage. I constantly want to pepper J with questions – how did you feel about this and how did you feel about this, and how did you feel about that….or

  • When did you start feeling restless and in need of a change? What caused you to feel that there was no hope for our relationship, that our marriage was no longer working for you? Was the idea of moving somewhere else to work not about money, but just a way to leave me since E graduated from high school, and you no longer needed me to take care of her?
  • How was I such a bad wife that you were not sure you wanted to stay married to me? I really feel like I have worked through our entire married life to be loving and supportive. I can say with a clear conscience that I have not nagged, or whined, or bitched. If I wanted something done or needed something, and you weren’t interested or available, I took care of it myself. I supported you through school and picked up the slack at home, made sure that you didn’t have to worry about anything with E except for the big moments – during your undergraduate degree and through grad school. I stepped in when you were caught up in the shuttle disaster, to make sure you at least got enough food and sleep to keep moving, and then provided support when the aftermath devastated you. I supported you and picked up the slack when your mentor was dying so that you could spend as much time as possible with him. I stuck to a budget, didn’t complain about not having money, made sure E had everything she needed, and occasionally worked more than one job for extras.
  • When did you stop enjoying spending time with me? It seems like there were so many great things that we shared in the last 6 years. We attended every performance of every play E was in, and usually managed at little us time. Did you not enjoy spending that time with me? You always volunteered and seemed to enjoy going on my Junior Historian field trips and other school activities, including throwing two  of the best costume balls the area has ever seen – was that not true? I thought we had a wonderful time in San Diego at the zoo and the beach. Our trip to Disney World was one of the best experiences of my life – did I somehow misunderstand your reaction? Did you not enjoy being with me then either? Our trip to Washington in ’08 was amazing – were you just pretending to enjoy it? Were you ready then for a different relationship, or at least a different life? We have shared the areas where our work lives overlapped, and I thought that it worked well. Did that contact annoy you as well?
I just don’t understand how his picture and mine of our lives together could be so different. I thought he was unhappy with his work situation and stressed with other areas of his life, but I thought we were on solid footing. To the best of my ability, I ignored the irritability, the grumpiness, the lack of focus and time because I thought that he was doing what he needed to do to be happy….but he wasn’t ….and so because he wasn’t happy and didn’t feel connected to me because he had pushed me away….he cheated on me….I don’t know what to do about the way this makes me feel….

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