It took him a couple of days, but he finally confessed that he had paid a second visit to that woman during a business trip, after insisting since D-Day 2 – for 5 months – that physical contact had involved only one visit that lasted a few hours. The scope of this lie was even more devastating, since he had been lying for almost a year. I had asked him if he had seen her on this business trip when he first told me about the emotional online only part of the affair, since I knew that he had been in the city where she lived. He had denied even calling her, although he said he wanted to but didn’t think it would have been a good idea. When I had looked at the phone records after D-day 2 and realized that he had called her more than once while he was there, he offered to give me the phone number of the business colleague he had been with at dinner and then at the post dinner cocktail hour. I am sure that he was counting on my unwillingness to embarrass him or do anything to jeopardize his work relationships when he made this offer.
I couldn’t believe that after all the work we had done, that he had still been lying about something so basic…this wasn’t confusion about his feelings, this was deliberate lying about an actual fact. When I asked WHY??? WHY would he lie again and again, when he had already told me he had sex with her, he said that he had to because he knew that I would never believe that he only had sex with her once if I knew that he had seen her a second time. He insisted over and over that he had not had sex with her on this occasion, and that he had not intended to have sex with her. He said that she did not want to meet him, but he had insisted because he needed to really make sure that she understood that it was over and that they needed to stop all contact. He said that she was upset but resigned and that he came home free of her, but knowing he would have to tell me about the affair. He insisted over and over that he just didn’t want to hurt me again, that he knew that I would never believe that they had not had sex again, but they hadn’t and he just didn’t want me to be upset. He said he finally realized that feeling like he was hiding things from me was upsetting me more, so he had decided to tell me the truth.
He went on to say that he felt like he had to see her in person because he wanted to make sure that he was not making a mistake in breaking it off with her. It was almost more than I could bear. I really didn’t know what to do….I cried myself to sleep, with him attempting to comfort me. The next morning I tried to talk to him but we just went around and around. He just said the same things about being scared of losing me and not wanting to hurt me. As soon as he could, he went outside to work in the yard, leaving me alone to deal with my feelings. We were obligated to a neighbor’s potluck birthday dinner, and someone had to go to the store to get ingredients for our contribution. I offered, but I actually did not intend to come home. I put my toothbrush and necessary medicine in my purse, and truly intended to just leave town, at least for the rest of the weekend. I called my best friend on the way into town, and she persuaded me to pick her up to talk before I did anything rash. Fortunately for both of us, she took me to lunch and calmed me down. Instead of running away, I decided to go ahead and do some of the errands that I needed to do, including shopping for groceries and buying paint. While I was there, I decided that instead of spending what little extra money I had on a hotel and food, I would get something that I really wanted for my house – a new rug. I got home just in time to get ready for the birthday dinner, and went because it was too late to get out of it without a fuss.
I managed to pull myself together enough to paste a smile on my face and to behave almost normally, patiently waiting for two excruciating hours to go home so we could really talk – and the minute we walked through our front door, he announced he was exhausted and WENT TO BED…at 8:00. Not just to bed, but he actually went to sleep. I was absolutely furious because I could not imagine how he could possibly go to sleep when he knew that I was so upset. I still do not understand how he is able to sleep with such strong emotional undercurrents in the house. I could not sleep, so I returned to brooding.