My best friend has put me on internet restriction after 9:00 p.m. She is convinced that no good can come from any online activity after this time – especially if I am in an emotional condition. I have strict orders to call her – no matter what time it is, if I feel inclined to do anything as stupid as what I did after D-Day (Version 3) when my husband when to bed in the middle of the evening instead of talking to me about our latest truth. I was in no condition TO SLEEP at that point – and I guess I was in shock because I wasn’t even crying….but at some point around 1:00 a.m., I decided that a smart move would be to friend the OW on Facebook, thinking, I guess, that if she friended me back, I could just tell her that she could have J, or I could ask her a few questions to see if he was telling the truth at all. I had a moment of panic after I clicked the send button, and then gave a mental shrug and went to bed.
When I got up the next morning, J acted like nothing had happened. I had somewhat regained my sanity, and we sat down to have coffee and attempt to talk about our issues, and then I opened my email to find that not only had the OW accepted my friend request, but she also sent me a lovely message saying how glad she was that we were going to be friends, and that she knew I was a good woman etc. OK, at that point tragedy became farce, and I started laughing like a demented person.
When I told him what I had done, he did not see the funny and was really upset – he seemed completely unable to understand why I might have done it, even when I tried to explain. He was still very defensive about the second visit – insisting over and over that he did not have sex with her, that he just went to break up with her in person, that he were just trying to be nice so that she would not get upset and do something stupid but he had already admitted that he needed to make sure that he were not making a mistake choosing me instead of her. We made another attempt at a discussion that was going no where, and he just disappeared into the woods again. I was hysterical enough that I actually took a Xanax left over from an RX my daughter had been given for a back injury and went back to bed.
He came and woke me up later and tried to make it better. I asked for two things from him – I wanted him to go to counseling with someone with whom he would really be honest. He had been so resistant to seeing my counselor, even for marriage counseling, because she was my counselor and because she shared a practice with a friend of his, so he wasn’t open to talking to someone else in the same practice. He made an appointment with a counselor in a nearby town, putting distance between my healing and his. I also asked to be wooed – I needed some indication that he really cared about me and was willing to put effort into reassuring me that he really loved ME – that I wasn’t some sort of consolation prize. He tried really hard right after this – buying a series of gift that were thoughtful and that I loved, especially the membership to Ancestry.com, but they were not romantic gifts…I couldn’t figure it out.
When I told the counselor the story about the “friending” incident, she briefly thought that I might need serious intervention. Initially, I couldn’t really explain why l had done such an obviously insane thing, but I think I thought I was going to ask her for the actual truth….like that would have ever worked! By the next day I had realized that it was one of the most ridiculous ideas I had ever had, but it had a weird side benefit. FB was experimenting again, and during this time, it started to show pictures from random “friends” in the upper left corner. Since we were now “friends” on FB, every day or so, there she would be. It did serve to desensitize me, but I couldn’t help but make comments to J – which kept him in a constant state of agitation….and his agitation made it impossible for me to settle down. I could understand that having the OW and me in contact would be uncomfortable, but his level of freak out seemed excessive. She, on the other hand, really did seem to want to be friends, and sent me several messages…..weird.
Over the next few weeks, I would think I was better, and then suddenly out of nowhere I would be devastated again. Luckily, I was swamped with commitments at work, so I stayed busy and just put one foot in front of the other until the day was over, and then another day was over. I really have had a much harder time bouncing back from this new piece of news, and I have continued to insist over and over that he really needed to tell me the whole story, that it would be very difficult for us to come back from the mistrust that additional discoveries down the road would cause. He insisted repetitively that he had told me everything.