Obsessing About the Other Woman

 

So, Version 3 of the affair included the lovely fact that he had continued to lie to me for a year because he had believed that he was truly in love with her. After I processed the insanity of friending her on Facebook, I realized that it actually gave me a tool. We were actually Facebook friends. I had access to her wall, photos, games….I could really look at the public face of her life to my heart’s content in a way that I had not been able to originally. Once I worked through Facebook, which just confirmed what I already knew, I started with a Google search, and then worked my way through all of the available sources of information online. I then compared it with what my husband had told me he knew about her. Yes, I realize that it sounds insane, but it seemed like a gift at the time.  Guess what – everything did not add up. Whenever I found an anomaly, I have asked J, and while he has hedged and fudged about some details, he confirmed some things I already knew and was also willing to provide me with some surprising details.

He did say that she had seemed oddly evasive about her past life, and that her condo did not have any personal memento items, or pictures of children growing up, or her as a mother. She had described her marriage to him as horrible, that she had married really young to escape from an abusive home, and how the thought of him had “saved” her while she was living in a loveless marriage. He believed that she got married as soon as she graduated from high school. She told him that her husband had an affair with another man which caused the divorce. She also talked about how much she loved her sons, about how hard the divorce had been on them, and how hard it had been to raise them alone.

No one can know what the inside of another’s marriage is like, or what secrets they are hiding. The facts plainly available online are, however, that she was 20+ when she got married – approximately the same age as my daughter who just graduated from college, or as I was when I got married – and I had completed two years of college and supported myself for three years by that time. She and her husband did not divorce until 2005, after both of her sons had graduated from college. While her ex may not have been an engaged father, he lived at home until 2005. Her husband may well have had an affair with a man, no information about that part of his life is online. Several facts ARE, however, available online. He is and has been very involved in a very fundamentalist church, he is still involved in his sons’ lives, and he married a little blond girl 1/2 his age in 2007, and has since started a second family. She mentioned none of this information to J – although it seems relevant in describing the breakup of a 28 year marriage to mention that her ex had remarried so soon to someone younger!???

He initially thought she was gorgeous – his fantasy woman -blond, heart-stoppingly beautiful cornflower blue eyes, looked much younger than her age (52). He later confessed that she looked much older in person than she looked in her pictures, and that gravity had had an unfortunate effect on portions of her anatomy. He also noted that she seemed very vain and spent much of their time together changing clothes and redoing her hair and makeup, and constantly asked for validation. Based on their online and phone interactions, he thought she was sexually experienced and adventurous. The aggressive nature of her pursuit was very attractive to him. He said that her behavior in person was completely different, and he realized she was either not interested in sex, was very sexually passive, or was very inexperienced.

He initially claimed to not know that much about her and her interests. When I first looked at her information, I found that she was religiously, politically, and socially conservative.  When J finally opened up, he said that he did know what I had been trying to talk to him about, but felt like if he had acknowledged it, I would have asked questions he did not want to answer. He said that she was unable or unwilling to defend or even discuss her beliefs; uninterested in anything outside of her job, church, exercise and their relationship. He also said that she says she is very confident, but that she acted very timid and passive, and was scared of dogs, strange food, new ideas.

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