Anniversary of the Disaster

 

The two months following the last big reveal has been rough. I just don’t feel like I can regain my equilibrium.  We have been spending time together, and traveling together, and as long as we are together I feel fine. If I am away from him – even at work if I am not too busy to have time to breathe – I start to feel overwhelmed, sad, or even hopeless. October is Archaeology Month, and so we have been doing things together where our work lives overlap – attendance at a cultural event at a local historic site, followed by a dinner/dance at the museum on campus, joint booths at a local festival, and I accompanied him to a presentation he was giving several hours away – so that I could meet some of the people who are important to him from his research. I also went to a conference with him and my best friend and her husband who is in the same profession, and I had a really great time and felt really close to him. The hotel had a view of the bay with a full moon, and we combined a mixture of professional and fun activities including a ghost tour, and a moonlit walk a long the seawall, and then spent the afternoon on the beach. We both came home relaxed and feeling close to one another – and then it all fell apart. I have begun to notice a pattern  – whenever we spend time together, and really seemed to be feeling close, he pulls away and either becomes distant or fills up his time up so we were not spending time together. If I get upset or question what is happening, he immediately goes to an angry place, accusing me of imagining things or being overly needy and insisting that if I am going to react this way, then he is not able to do anything outside or work on the house or ever do anything that he likes to do.

He spent every minute of the anniversary of the affair weekend working outside and not talking to me at all – and I put aside my own feelings and insecurities because I understood that it was hard for him. I know that he avoids things by staying busy. Unfortunately, that is how we ended up here….so, is he not thinking? Is he thinking about her? Does he regret giving her up? I am just waiting and hoping he comes back around and talks to me about whatever is going on inside. While I was able to argue myself into acceptance about his not recognizing that I might need something too – something that might conflict with his need to pretend that it was just another weekend – it left a hole in me.

My feelings were further shredded when my sister called and my mom – who had pneumonia a couple of weeks ago – had to go back and have another set of chest xrays to see if she still had a mass on her right lung, and she did. She now needs to go in for a CT scan because her doctor is concerned that this mass is not related to her pneumonia, but is instead something more sinister. My sister and my dad are both freaking out slightly because my mom is attempting to NOT have tests done. She really does prefer to live like an ostrich – if she ignores something, then it doesn’t exist. I knew I needed to go then – I needed to go that weekend just to touch base. I have really been avoiding my parents since the big reveal last spring – it just pushes too many buttons. They do not need that type of chaos and hurt brought into their lives, and I don’t want their relationship with J to be affected, but I have been so emotional that I have not completely trusted myself to not just blurt something out if I were around them.  We had huge logistical obstacles, so I was just going to rent a car and go by myself, but I realized that I really needed someone to run interference and help me – so I went home and asked for J’s help – and he threw a fit. In the middle of this, E called and not only had she had rearranged everything on her schedule, but her boyfriend had helped her by rearranging his – because he thought it was important for her to go with me. J still insisted that his volunteer commitment was too important for him to cancel – and then angrily decided he was coming too and went off in the night to make arrangements,and then got up early and went off again to finalize his arrangements. I appreciated the effort that he made to change his mind and come too, but it was so hard to have a big emotionally devastating blow-up that pushed all of my “he doesn’t think I count for much” buttons,  in order to get emotional support that I would have given to him freely.

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