No More Ms. Nice Wife

Because I was still occasionally monitoring HER Facebook, I realized that she was putting out feelers again…subtle at first…first changing her profile picture back to the original picture that attracted him, then to her half of “the couple” picture, followed be her posting again on that original group picture that started the whole mess, saying how much she loved that picture. Sure enough, when he did not take the bait, she emailed him. Thank God, he immediately told me about it, because we had pledged to be totally transparent after the last set of additional details. He was totally in shock – as far as he was concerned, we had really heard the last from her, even though both therapists warned him that it was probably not the case. I had always held him responsible for his own actions, and my dealings with her had been fairly gentle, but I was enraged that she attempted to reconnect AGAIN, and I was no longer willing to consider anyone’s feelings but my own. I sent the following message to her on Facebook.

January 27, 2011

S,

Since my life fell apart over a year ago, I believe I have managed to come to terms with all but one aspect of the disaster – your behavior. I fully believe that my husband was completely responsible for his own behavior, and we have worked out the reasons for it. I have tried and tried to be compassionate, understanding, and to forgive you freely, and I truly believe that if you had been the type of barfly slut that normally engages in such behavior, your actions would not have affected me at all. My problem would have been with my husband only.

You, however, present yourself as a very devout Christian woman, a good woman who would never do anything to put herself wrong in the eyes of God , who values marriage as a holy institution and wants nothing more than a loving husband. How do you reconcile this image with the actions that you took? For example, what type of woman are you that you could:

  • Send another woman’s husband a detailed and provocative description of a kiss that you shared in 1970, including all of the feelings it aroused in you – when you had not seen him in 40 years.
  • Send a married man your phone number? 
  • Engage in pornographic phone sex with any man on the first time you talked to him, let alone another woman’s husband?
  • Welcome a man you barely know into your home in the middle of the night for sex, especially if you know he is married to another woman? 
  • Spend a weekend having sex with a stranger – who is another woman’s husband?
  • Tell another woman’s husband that he is your soul mate, your first and only love?
  • Tell a married man that he is your soul mate while you are dating other men?
  • Engage in a clandestine phone and email affair with another woman’s husband?
  • Profess your undying love for another woman’s husband while assuring him that you know he will not leave his wife, and giving him marital advice?
  • Accept gifts from another woman’s husband?
  • Continue to attempt to make contact with another woman’s husband after he has told you that he is working on his marriage and must have no contact with you?

I have really tried to understand your actions, but I find it impossible to understand how a “Godly woman” could behave this way. My confusion only increased after I found out that you had tried the same approach with his friend first.  If my husband was your lost love and only soul mate, why did you tell someone else how much you wished that you and he had stayed together? Even after discussions with my spiritual adviser, I found myself unable to forgive you because I could not reconcile your actions and the image you present to the world. Eventually, as we have put our lives back together, I decided that I didn’t need to understand you. You were moving on and so were we, and you have never owed me anything. I forgave you because I needed to do so. And then you started reaching out, trying to make contact again.

Because of who you seem to be, it is not easy for me to simply write you off as a deceitful slut who pretended to be someone else to ensnare my husband, and therefore doesn’t have enough of a conscience to need forgiveness. We have friends and acquaintances in common who believe your public image as well, so I cannot simply ignore the discrepancy. I think that you actually owe me an explanation for all of the pain you have caused and are still attempting to cause, but if you do not wish to explain, then I will know that your actions are the real you, and will act accordingly.

Devon

Somewhat unexpectedly, I received the following reply almost immediately:

January 27, 201

Devon,
I can barely read this! I think you are having a lot of vain imaginations, I am not trying to contact him. Period! The rest of what you said is well….in the past…and a lot of what you said is not correct. You are letting the Devil come in and torment you. I am not trying to contact him. As for how I felt, well only I know how I felt. You cannot judge that. I thought we had worked this out.

You can judge me all you want. I have apoligized to you. Remember, I didn’t know if he was married or not when I was looking for him. We really didn’t have any common friends that I talked to. Facebook hasn’t been around for that long. I am sorry that you are hurt Devon. As far as judging my character, you cannot hurt me Devon. I know who I am. I am a daughter of Christ, forgiven and washed in the blood of the Lamb. I have no intentions of contacting him.

I do not know what you are talking about about RS. I have never had phone sex with R or J!!! I have never evern seen R in person! He was suppose to come to see me and I told him that I didn’t think it was a good time. It just never worked out. I had a dream about him about a week ago . There was an earthquake and he kept walking across my dream. It was very real, so I told him about it over Facebook messages. I never heard back from him. I really don’t know what you are talking about.

I feel like I am under an atttack from the enemy. No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper and every toungue that shall rise against me in judgement, God will conden me. I am so sorry that you are so angry and have so much anger and hate towards me. I do not feel that way about you. Again, I am not trying to contact M and I have no idea what you are talking about about R.

I wish you the best. Please do not contact me again. 

Thanks,

S

OK – I will admit that now I was MAD. My religious faith is private, devout, and generally inclusive, but one area of religious faith where I have NO tolerance is self-righteousness and hypocrisy. How can someone claim to be Godly and then lie and lie and lie? I chose my words carefully, because I really do believe that it is impossible to get a message across unless you speak the language of the listener. I sent the following response.

January 27, 2011

S, 

You sent him an email last week – he showed it to me. 

We have worked through many of the incidents that occurred between you, so claiming that they didn’t happen is not useful. Lying does not put you right in the eyes of God, and neither does persuading yourself to believe a lie. You never apologized to me – you justified yourself by saying he was your soul mate. Looking for him when you didn’t know he was married is one thing – once you saw his Facebook page you knew immediately that he was married because it was on his front page. His pages were full of me and his daughter, and I know you looked at his pictures because I saw and deleted your inappropriate comments from them. 

I did not mean that you had had phone sex or actual sex with RS – your relationship with RS is none of my business. I was referring to your attempt to re-establish a relationship with him by referring to your past romance, in the same way that you did with my husband. 

I am not attempting to attack you – I am simply attempting to understand how a “Godly woman” could behave in such a way. I do not believe that the devil is tormenting me, but if I followed your thinking, I would say he has moved though my life by the actions of you and my husband, and that I have rejected HIS influence in every area of my life except for my feelings regarding you. I do not hate you, and in fact have worked very hard to feel compassion and forgiveness, but I do feel angry, mostly because I do not understand how you can just say “it is in the past” without ever taking responsibility for your actions – especially since you continue to reach out to him and reinstate yourself in his life. 

I do not wish to embarrass or hurt anyone – I actually do try to protect the feelings of others and deal honestly and kindly with everyone. I will not hesitate, however, to do whatever I must to complete my healing journey, and I believe that you lost the ability to tell me what to do when you had sex with my husband and shattered my life. There are many women who regularly behave as you did without a sliver of remorse or shame but you do not seem like that sort of woman – except that you too have shown no remorse or shame. Perhaps your inability or unwillingness to do so indicates that the devil is at work in your life.

Devon

Ok – so I don’t believe that the devil works in anyone’s life – but she does. Surprisingly, I actually received a reply: 

January 27

Devon,
You are right about one thing. I did send a survey and I added M. I have not sent him any personal emails. That is the truth. You have a very short memory. I was very remorseful about him. I was very sorry. I did ask you for your forgiveness. I told you how sorry I was and how I prayed that you two would go on and be very happy. Please go back and search your mind and remember. Maybe you have our correspondence so you can go back and reread it. I told you that I have never been involved with a married man and I don’t have any intentions to be. I went through hell about this. I did tell you how wrong that I thought affairs were and how very sorry that I was .
I think that I also told you that I had prayed for forgivenness and that I was so thankful that I have a Savior that died for me because He knew that I was a lost sinner and I couldn’t do it on my on. I am forgiven Devon. Jesus forgives me. I accepted His forgiveness. I ask you to forgive me. I did before. I thought you had forgiven me. The word of God says that when we repent( ask forgiveness and turn from our sin) God takes our sin from us as far as the east as from the west.He doesn’t remember the sin anymore. He paid the price on the cross so that I can be forgiven for my sins. When He forgives us, He creates in us a clean heart . That is what the Lord has done for me. I don’t have to go around with a Scarlett letter around my neck. Jesus has forgiven me.He has taken my shame. I think that you have just forgotten about our earlier conversations. I was very remorseful and concerned. As for threatening me, why are you going there? It is the enemy attacking me. You must still not forgive me. I will ask you again to please forgive me. I am so sorry that I ever even talked to him again. I will take his email address out of my address book so I don’t even accidentally put him on an everyone in my book email. I am not trying to contact him.
 
As far as spritual warfare, it is very real. The devil would like to hurt us all. Jesus is our healer and the restorer of our souls and greater is Jesus who is in me than he(the devil) that is in the world. No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that is risen against me in Judgement, God will condemn.I want you to recieve healing too Devon. I am so sorry if I have hurt you . I have not right to tell you anything, except that I want to bless you. There is a book that will explain how I feel about God. It talks about the raggedness of humans(me) We are all like rag dolls that have been beat up in this world. Some of us have been beaten up so badly that our eyes aren’t sewed on straight and we may have a stich or two loose. Well, the book talks about how a little girl had a special doll that she had loved so much that the doll was pretty much a “rag Doll.” The little girl had loved the stuffing out of the doll. She loved it so much that when the family went on vacation and left the doll, they had to turn around and drive 200 miles to go find the doll!It wasn’t that the doll was really beautiful any more or worth alot of money that made her so special. The rag doll was special because the beloved (the little girl) had loved her so much! Jesus loves us like that. I am like the rag doll. I have been beaten up,but I am loved and forgiven by my Heavenly Father. The book is “Love Beyond Reason,” by John Orterg. If you read this book, you will understand me. This is why I can stand restored and whole and not ashamed.
I am praying for you Devon. I am not trying to contact him. I will take him out of my email address book. I hope that you can find some peace.
S
 
She had never apologized to me, or indicated in any way that she had done anything wrong, but I did not respond to this message. Like our phone conversation the previous summer, I really did not know what to say, and I could tell that continued interaction would not be good for either one of us. I really could not tell  how good I felt after at least expressing my feelings about her hypocrisy and refusal to take responsibility.
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