The Red Pill Or the Blue

I haven’t posted anything for several days because my life and my thoughts have been too chaotic, and then I read the topic of the day on The Daily Post and it seemed to be a perfect starting point:

Topic #169:

If given the choice, are you the kind of person who takes the red pill, or the blue pill? Why?

You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” -Morpheus (from the film The Matrix)

I am definitely someone who would take the red pill, and the last 1 1/2 years have truly seemed like a trip down Alice’s rabbit hole.

Am I at the bottom yet? No.

Do I wish I had just taken the blue pill in October ’09 and gone on my merry way? No.

I would rather be unhappy, even devastated, and live with truth than be happy with a lie or even a more palatable version of truth. I would not have continued to work and to push otherwise.

While I was trying to sort my feelings and put them into words for this entry, I received the comment that follows in response to my advice to the other woman – Get Out While You Can.

  • If only this were this simple. Yes, many websites support these ideas –but always consider the source. Sometimes we act like we care because we don’t want to lose what we know – family, friends, etc. We’re good actors and can tolerate our spouses – who THINK we’re close to them. We’re not really close to anyone. The ‘other’ person got close, but the price was too high. That’s how it has to be. I”m just sad that it’s not as simple as you suggest. But find happiness knowing your spouse has made his decision. He won’t be going anywhere. Trust me.

I started to reply and then realized it was too long for a comment. So do you think this is really true? I made a decision to “take the red pill” when the blue would have been so much easier. I am really trying to look at the truth – the real truth, not the palatable version. I know that people have affairs for many reasons – sometimes for love, more often out of a need for validation, excitement, an ego boost, a sympathetic ear, feelings of lust, as a reaction to anger, resentment, or stress, or just because they cannot manage their own lives and feelings and are looking for anything to make them feel better.

I know people also marry for many reasons – hopefully for love, but often for security, a fear of being alone, looking for happiness in another, and sometimes because the relationship just drifts that way. I have several friends who got married because they got pregnant, a friend who got married because it made leasing a house in a new town easier, several friends who got married because their parents would not have approved if they lived together, and the list goes on. I think each of these couples loved one another, but that was not the primary reason they made a commitment.

I also know couples who have stayed together in the face of deep unhappiness, through mental illness, alcoholism, affairs, financial infidelity, and not for love, but “for the children”, or because divorce is a sin, or because they share a business and their financial status would change, or because they won’t let someone else win.

Love is the only reason I married my husband, and the only reason I am still here. Our original decision to be together was a conscious one based on feelings of passion, peace and joy. I think that the decision to stay or not must also be a conscious one – for both of us. We never intended to to be halves of a whole or to know one another better than we know ourselves. Our goal was to be stronger as individuals through the sharing of ourselves with another. I will not accept less – which is why we will come through this stronger and more self aware, whether we are together or not.

The following poem was a part of our wedding vows, and J sent it to me again when he asked me to stay.

Khalil Gibran “On Marriage” from The Prophet

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

I had this relationship for more than 25 years, and somehow we lost our way. I do not wish to accept less now.

How about you? Red pill or blue?


5 comments on “The Red Pill Or the Blue

  1. Caroline says:

    Hi. The fact that you are still together despite all that has happened – sounds to me – as though this story has a way to run. You are an active participant in that story. So is he. All I would suggest is Get Help. Having someone guide you both through the tough times and give you both the strength to rekindle the trust and passion and respect you both had for each other. To understand how you can have back that wonderful relationship you had before sometimes needs an instructor.

    If I had found my Life Coach 3 years earlier then I truly believe my marriage would have taken a different route. You have that chance for both of you to still ‘win’ and have an amazing future.

    Good luck

  2. Devon says:

    Thank you so much for the encouragement. I feel a little less bleak than I did yesterday. My husband starts counseling tomorrow, and we will have counseling with the same person next week. You and I are both taking difficult roads – nothing will ever be the way it was before, but I think both of us will be happier at the end no matter what.

  3. […] The Red Pill or the blue ( […]

  4. Beautiful Post. As painful as it is, I would choose the red pill. Now if only my hindisght were futuresight, all would be well in wonderland.

  5. kitty says:

    Reblogged this on What Kitty Thinks and commented:
    I had to reblog this as it seems so so real to me, in the here and now. I love Kalil Gibran.

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