My last marriage counseling appointment did not go well, and I spent a week in a funk afterward. I am so tired of the situation – the back and forth, the roller coaster, whatever analogy works. Right now, my most fervent desire is for peace of mind, and I have not had it consistently for more than two years. Why? Because I have been working and working and working to heal myself and someone else, to understand myself and someone else, to share myself and my feelings with someone else and to try to help someone else understand and share his feelings. Guess what – it doesn’t work.
As I shared my feelings with my counselor earlier this week, she was really quite firm with me. The situation and my feelings about it will not change until we make a radical shift – he must commit to real and consistent change, I need to ask for a separation to allow myself space to get centered, OR I can accept who he is – the good and the bad – stop taking it personally and make my peace with it. I cannot make a choice for him, and I do not want a separation, so I have chosen the third option. All I can do is work on myself and find my center as his emotions swirl around me. I, like others on this journey, do not intend to settle for less than happiness. I need to find the woman I was before this chaos descended on me – I actually liked her.