Peace of Mind

Bandon, Oregon - near the place my parents grew up, and a place I spent holidays through college - definitely one of my "happy places".

My last marriage counseling appointment did not go well, and I spent a week in a funk afterward. I am so tired of the situation – the back and forth, the roller coaster, whatever analogy works. Right now, my most fervent desire is for peace of mind, and I have not had it consistently for more than two years. Why? Because I have been working and working and working to heal myself and someone else, to understand myself and someone else, to share myself and my feelings with someone else and to try to help someone else understand and share his feelings. Guess what – it doesn’t work.

As I shared my feelings with my counselor earlier this week, she was really quite firm with me. The situation and my feelings about it will not change until we make a radical shift – he must commit to real and consistent change, I need to ask for a separation to allow myself space to get centered, OR I can accept who he is – the good and the bad – stop taking it personally and make my peace with it. I cannot make a choice for him, and I do not want a separation, so I have chosen the third option. All I can do is work on myself and find my center as his emotions swirl around me. I, like others on this journey, do not intend to settle for less than happiness. I need to find the woman I was before this chaos descended on me – I actually liked her.

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This entry was posted in Musings.

7 comments on “Peace of Mind

  1. backonmyown says:

    I love the photograph.

    Option three is doable. As I understand it that’s when you acknowledge that you can’t change him, you can only change how you react to him. You can do that. It takes practice but I’ve known lots of women who have found peace that way.

    Good luck and hugs to you.

    • Devon says:

      I really love the Oregon coast, especially the southern area.

      Accepting him as his is, without feeling like I am compromising myself, is much harder than I expected – I somehow feel like I am giving up. Balance – I just need to find balance.

  2. Caroline says:

    You’ll get there. Knowing your goal is half the battle.

    hugs

    Caroline
    xx

  3. Not Over It says:

    Hi,

    My therapist told me exactly the same thing – separate to allow for space to work things out. I am doubtful that my husband will accept that. I fee like he will slam the door on me and lock me out forever if I do that.

    I am thinking about just going away to spend time with family for a while. That might work. Problem is finding the time to take off of work. I can’t afford to quit.

    Take care!
    DJ

    • Devon says:

      DJ,

      I asked for a separation two weeks ago – he is adamantly opposed and has been from the beginning. Everything gets better for a little while and then we are back where we started…I have held it together for the most part, but I feel like I am slowly unraveling, and I also cannot afford to quit. Plus, I really like my job – it is the one bright spot. He does seem to understand that I really can’t go on this way, and has started to go to individual counseling, so I am just trying to hold on.

      I did finally talk to my parents, and may at least go for an extended weekend just to try and clear my head. I hope that you are able to find a plan that works for you. I really think that the cheater thinks that the spouse will just get over it. The problem – at least for us – has been that his behavior is not consistent because he hasn’t been able to get over it – the guilt, and shame, and even the grief over what he ruined.

  4. owneradmin says:

    I feel for you, I have been there. I was at that place in August when I just wanted to LEAVE. Not because I didn’t love my husband but because I was so tired of putting forth all the work. I’m at this lull right now where I am not focusing so much on what’s not being done and focusing more on what I can do despite what my husband isn’t doing right now to make ME feel better in the interim. It doesn’t mean I’m giving him a pass to do nothing forever but I am just not focusing on it so much, rather than put all that energy into feeling miserable and questioning WHY he won’t step up and assuming the worst, I’m doing what I can for ME for now to further myself. I have a counseling appointment today with Dr. Hawkins yourrelationshipdoctor.com. it’s a phone session and if it goes well I might bring my husband in at some point.
    On a side note, my husband gave me a card and roses last night. I feel like such a complainer but it didn’t feel emotionally connected when he did it. He left the roses out on the kitchen bar with the card. The card, to me, was very clinical. It said “hi” on the front and the inside “just wanted to see how you are.” He wrote, I love you” but that was it. He spent the rest of the night watching tv and has spent all day today so far watching football. From reading the book How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about it” I understand that men feel connected to us by us just being near, the emotional way we connect with one another are different. I understand that so I’m trying to remember that but I do still wish he’d be just as aware as to how *I* need to feel emotionally connected and take some steps to make ME feel connected. I also understand he travels every week, he’s on the road, he’s tired, he wants to relax but still, I want more 😦
    Btw, I was saying that you, DJ and myself need to exchange emails and have some email therapy! My email is kriswash88@gmail.com if you guys want to email me! We could start up a group of us three 🙂 I know I could use it and we’ve all been so involved with encouraging one another why not keep it going?!!!

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